The Archetypal Brass Band
1 Eb Soprano Cornet................................Too loud, usually out of tune. Convinced he has the most difficult part in the band
1 Principal Cornet...................................Conceited - uses too much vibrato
1 "Second man down" or "bumper upper"........Either thinks he would make a better principal, or hero-worships the principal
1 "Third man down".................................Loud brutal musical thug with lots of stamina and no finesse
1 "Fourth man down"................................Like third man down, only louder and thicker
1 Repiano Cornet....................................Waiting for a chance to play principal
2 2nd Cornets.........................................Hesitant, out of tune, but can play a bottom C
2 3rd Cornets.........................................Loud, out of tune, but can play bottom G
1 Flugelhorn..........................................Plays flat. Can't decide whether to be a cornet or a horn
1 Solo Horn...........................................Usually a girlie - irrespective of whether a male or female player
2 Tenor Horns........................................Can play a unison tone in tune if one of them is dead
1st Baritone..........................................Useless player, out of tune all the time
2nd Baritone.........................................Even worse player. Only there to show what the first baritone could do if he tried
2 Euphoniums........................................Show-off and trainee show-off
1 1st Trombone.......................................Steam driven. Rasps most of the time
1 2nd Trombone......................................Sloppy player, but can rasp even at pianissimo
1 Bass Trombone.....................................Chainsaw with vibrato
2 Eb Basses............................................Look like two drunken farts
2 Bb Basses............................................Sound like two drunken farts
Percussion............................................Have lots of noisy toys which must be used in the most inappropriate way possible. Conductor.............................................So devoid of musical ability that he thinks the above shower sounds good